Balance

Photo credit: jenny downing (Flickr)

Well, at the risk of ruining it again, I feel in balance. Good. Very good, even. Like I have pushed that rock up a bit more! Hooray!

I don't know, but it seems like my latest tweak in the drug cocktail is really helping. My brain feels less scrambled. I haven't totally reached my egg vision, but I'm getting there.

Enjoyed a spontaneous dinner with the in-laws this evening and had all the energy I needed to engage my FIL and give MIL a break. And I wasn't exhausted at the end.

Had a very hard chat with evil boss yesterday and let it go. THAT, my friends, is perhaps the biggest sign that I am getting better.

During my latest session with the wonderful Dr. Shrink Wrap, he mentioned that I always seem tentative. I say "but" and "we'll see" too much. I think that's because I've had the cocktails work for a while and then stop working. He understands.

This tentativeness is a a hard habit to break, so I will end this post by saying that I hope I can stay where I am for a good long time. However long it lasts, I'm going to enjoy it.

Haiku Friday - zucchini

Photo credit: benketaro (Flickr)

Out in my garden
Zucchini - so much of it
It's overflowing!

I am stuffing them
I am making bread from them
I'm roasting them too.

Zucchini in soup
Chocolate zucchini cake
Zucchini omelette.

How versatile is
the humble zucchini - oh
So underrated.

Like rabbits they are
Multiplying so quickly
Don't you want some too?

This is your brain on drugs.

Photo Credit - Aaron 13251 (Flickr)
Title: Broken Yolk

As I think about where I am in my life right now, I'm recalling that ad from the 80s that showed an egg in a frying pan and said, "This is your brain on drugs." In case you don't remember it (or want to relive that wonderful time in your life - I don't think anyone who reads my blog was born too late to remember that - in fact, I think only 2 people read my blog, but I digress), you can read about it and see it here.

Anyway, I'm on drugs right now.

I take 4 of them every day and an extra for emergencies (generic Ambien). All are prescriptions from my wonderful Dr. Shrink Wrap (thanks, Sophie for that great name!) Every day, I take 3 mood stabilizers and a sleep aid. We are trying to slowly wean me off of one or two of the mood stabilizers.

Using the egg analogy, what would the egg in my frying pan look like right now?

Scrambled. Or maybe like the one on the left in the photo above.

What do I want to be?

Photo Credit - Swami Stream (Flickr)
Title: Egg of Flowers in Farmer's Market

And this, too:

Photo Credit - Odolphie (Flickr)
Title: Egg Shaped Stone

It is so hard to be patient to feel strong and more regularly happy again. Oh yeah, and beautiful too.

But at least I have a vision. And now, a visual, too (or shall I say two?)! Maybe things are starting to look better after all. Hopefully, the feelings will catch up soon.

This AND That?!?!

Photo Credit - Dynamite360.com (Flickr)

Yesterday, I asked my shrink, "Can you be manic and depressed at the same time?"

His response: "Why do you ask?"

I told him that I felt really depressed that day, but that at the same time, I felt driven to do so many things that morning prior to our noontime session:

• get kids' haircuts
• grocery shopping
• laundry (including folding)
• kitchen cleaning, and
  
• bake cookies for him

He handed me a piece of paper. I filled it out. He showed me a scale and said, "You, my dear, seem to have a bit of ADHD on top of that bipolar of yours."

In that moment, I covered my eyes and cried, but as I think about ADHD, I can see myself in it. For example, while I was cleaning the kitchen and folding laundry, I went back and forth between the kitchen the dining/folding room over and over again, at random. I'd fold a couple of shirts, then wipe a section of counter, then return to the laundry - perhaps to fold, perhaps to transfer clean clothes to the dryer - then back to the kitchen or folding yet again.

At this moment, I need to open my eyes and learn a LOT more before I act. All sources of reliable information are more than welcome!

A thought to end this post:
"The greatest gift you can ever give yourself is a little bit of your own attention." - Anthony J. D'Angelo

Wake-up Call

Photo Credit: MShades (Flickr)

Earlier this week, I had a particularly difficult interaction with my Evil Boss. She told me that my job is at risk because I'm forgetting things, and because of my mood swings. She said that I have to act happy whenever I'm in the office.

Act happy whenever I'm there????? Hello? Does everyone act happy all day at work? I mean, even the nice folks at Starbucks probably don't do that even though they are supposed to (I know my buddies at Peet's don't, but I really like them anyway). And as for me, I'm not happy much of the time.

Anyway, I've left a lot of the conversation out, but to sum it all up, this interaction sent me reeling. Really far down. And damn it all, Seth is out of town on business again this week.

So my AMAZING shrink made some time for me today. We've been adjusting my meds because of the memory issues, and when we adjust my meds, things can get topsy-turvy in mood-landia.

I told him the whole story and sat there and cried. He asked a great question: "What if I saw you the day prior to this discussion?" How would you have said you felt? What about your relationship with this woman is generating these deep feelings?

Whoa. Psychological vs. Psychiatric????? That is the question.

And off we went on an exploration of my feelings. I left his office with my head spinning.

One thing that he really made me face head-on, and it has been right in front of me for the last 3+ years. My manager is toxic for me. I don't really like my work any more. I have to figure out what to do when I grow up. Or at least what to do next.

My close friends have been telling me this for years. My family has been telling me this for years. And I have weakly said, "yeah, I know," or "one day I will."

I am about to say something that terrifies me: I am going to figure out something new to do. I have NO CLUE what that's going to be. But I will do it.

Whew. I've put it in writing now, and so I have to do it. I think I'm going to have to give myself a deadline for it. Or at least a deadline for getting out of my work situation (once I do the financial math).

Anyway, I send out into Bloglandia a request to help me think through options. I will entertain any and all suggestions. I have tough criteria:

• I don't have the self-esteem right now to go into business for myself
• I need to earn $
• I don't want to be too far away from my kids' school
• My physical and mental health require me to work part time
  

So far (and I'm not joking), I've gotten the following suggestions:

• butcher (wise-ass and really funny friend)
  
• baker (shrink)
  
• cabinet maker (wise-ass and really funny friend)
  
• massage therapist (wonderful friend)
  

I feel compelled to extol the virtues of my shrink. He knew the impact of our chat today. And he called me at 8:30 this evening just to make sure I was OK.

In case you are wondering, I'm shaky, but OK. And for me, that's pretty darned good.

Thought to end this post:
Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the Phoenix. - Christina Baldwin

The banking crisis must be worse than I thought....

I'm going to digress from the main reason I blog here for a moment - bear with me...

Let me just begin my saying that we have an automatic withdrawal from one of our accounts that sends an EFT to our mortgage lender to ensure we pay our mortgage on time.

So it came as a surprise to me to get a call this evening from our mortgage company. I told the woman on the phone that she should put me on the do not call list because I don't want the bank to sell me anything. (I work for a bank - I know how they are).

She said that she didn't want to sell me anything - she only wanted to check in to be sure that our payment would arrive tomorrow on its due date.

Like we've ever missed a payment? Ever???????? That would be no. That's because our system (mentioned above) works. What a concept.

Am I missing something, or isn't this a little too paranoid on the bank's part? They're spending money on making sure I'll pay?

Wow. I know there are a lot of foreclosures out there, but, really, I don't need a reminder.

After all, I haven't quit my job yet.

Haiku Friday - Pills

Photo Credit: Sonictk at Flickr

Innocent question
Husband asks us at dinner,
"Share your life's best times."

Mother in law says:
"When my children were little.
You were all so cute."

Father in law says:
"I tried to take my life once.
The pills did not work."

An awkward silence
Descends on the family.
What can we say next?

My John Hancock

A couple of folks turned me on to mylivesignature.com, so I thought I'd investigate.

I created 2 signatures - one from their "wizard" and one by drawing it myself. The former is polished and the latter is not.


Trying to figure out which is best - the elegant one that shows where I want to be (really heading up, but showing some ups and downs on the way) or the homemade one that shows more of where I am, but looks like a kindergartner did it (well, maybe not my almost 1st grader who still reverses many of her letters).

All feedback welcome!

PS - just back from my first visit to the Grand Canyon. More on that to come.....