Tourist Season

Photo Credit foto3116 (Flickr)

The tourists are coming to my mountain.
I apply a fresh coat of clean white snow.
I make my trees stand extra tall.
But all I feel is the muddy slush underneath.

Off!

Photo Credit ToastyKen (Flickr)

I made a promise to myself and Seth and others who love me that I will take care of myself. You can read about My New Rules if you are so inclined.

This morning, Ruth wanted to do some art, which included a baking project (twist my arm). SO...... I didn't get out to have my exercise until tonight.

When I exercise at night, I usually go down the street into my in-law's condo development. I feel very safe there, in part because it is a very well lit neighborhood. A light next to every garage. A lamp post at every corner, and others where the labyrinthine shortcuts through the neighborhood meander.

Another reason to exercise in my in-law's neighborhood is that the quiet of the place and the uniformity of the homes makes a walk there more meditative. I don't have any interest in what the homes look like - they are pretty much the same from the outside. Why is this? Well, of course! They have a homeowner's association (otherwise known as an HOA).

An HOA in most housing developments is supposed to look after your best interests by ensuring no one does anything interesting outside his/her/their home. OK - I will admit that at times, an HOA does have your best interests at heart - for example, by making sure everyone's roof is replaced on time. BUT, I have a bias against them, because they generally exist as a beaurocratic impediment to creativity.

Interestingly, however, on my walk this evening I noticed something completely different. Suddenly I was overstimulated in my in-law's neighborhood. It was as if the HOA said, "All bets are off from the day after Thanksgiving until January 1. Do whatever the hell you want around your house!"

Tonight, being there felt almost like Las Vegas without the smoking and casinos. There was an onslaught of decorations and lights, lights everywhere. A plethora of arrangements in the entire spectrum of the rainbow. And the entire technicolor nightmare was heightened by the rain which: (1) created a reflection of the spectacle on the black wet street; and (2) created droplets on my glasses (without which I cannot cope even during the day) which refracted the view.

There were giant lit inflated Santas. Windows filled with lights. Windows traced in lights. Artificial candles in windows. Lights randomly thrown on tree branches. Lights carefully placed on bushes. There were flashing, moving reindeer. There were flashing snowflakes and snowmen (some even tipping their hats). Wreathes lit up (some flashing).

As I walked, I became nauseous. Really, I did. I sat down on a bench and closed my eyes. I almost called Seth to pick me up. But I had made my promise for a real workout and I was not going to give up. I am one stubborn chick, that's for sure.

As I am learning to take care of myself, however, I am trying not to be too stubborn to make myself overly miserable, so I left the neighborhood as soon as possible and entered the neighboring housing development which appeared to have much more reasonable holiday light restrictions.

At least until New Year's, I'm going to have to exercise during the day.

Privacy on the train - Almost Friday Haiku

Photo Credit: Gustty (Flickr)

On the train reading
Amidst a group of strangers
An Unquiet Mind

I'm not sure why but
I clutched the book to my lap
To hide the title

Honest Scrap Project

My dear friend Sophie tagged me for the honest scrap project. Rules are as follows:
I have to tell you 10 true things about me and then tag 7 folks to do the same thing.

BIG PROBLEM HERE - I don't have 7 people to tag. I don't have a lot of time/energy, so I only follow a couple of blogs and they have already done this or have been tagged to do so. SO, I think I'll just make up my own rules (a good sign for me psychologically).

I'll just do the first part (10 true things about me). I'll skip that I'm bipolar - y'all all know that about me already.

1. I believe that Rimsky-Korsakov is a demon. Well, not exactly, but if Flight of the Bumblebee comes on the radio while I'm cycling, the shit hits the fan in a VERY BIG WAY.

2. For I'm not sure how many years, I never got my feet measured. I just figured I was a AAAA width because I always had been (as in since high school - and now I'm about to turn 40). Recently, I started to feel pain in my feet, so I went into a local independent shoe store just to see. OH MY GAWD. I am a 12 B!!!!!!! As in very big feet. I can/do wear my husband's shoes. All this time, I thought shoes were supposed to squeeze you that way.

3. My physical "type" (meaning the kind of look to which I'm attracted) is tall, skinny and nerdy-looking. Think Stephen Colbert. My favorite outfit on Seth is his birthday suit with his glasses. Woweeeeeeeee! :)

4. I am THRILLED that jeans that fit at your natural waist are coming back into fashion! As a holiday gift to myself (and because none of my jeans fit me), I bought 2 pair today. I'm hoping for after holiday sales and I'm going to stock up just in case the stupid low rise thing that creates muffin tops on almost any REAL body comes back into style.

5. My sister and I used to wear matching outfits. Not our decision - we were too young to care. But I have to laugh at the pictures now.

6. My hair grows up, out and down. Kind of like an afro on a Caucasian woman (only not so frizzy). So when I get a haircut, I become shorter.

7. I have terrible night vision but absolutely adore SCUBA diving at night. Everything is peaceful and I just love the phosphorescent sparkly stuff. Plus, you get to glimpse things that you don't get to see during the day (like seahorses).

8. In spite of my deep respect for sea creatures (pun intended), I must confess my delight in slurping raw oysters with horseradish sauce. This disgusts most folks I know because it is so slimy. But to me, YUM YUM YUM.

9. I love to watch HGTV and Food Network when I can (which isn't often). I really do believe that you can do-it-yourself (when you aren't cycling down). Once, when Seth was out of town, I redid our bedroom, including refinishing our dressers, painting the walls and making a headboard out of bookshelves. He was shocked. I thought it looked great, and I think he did, too.

10. I firmly believe that the American English language needs a second person plural and that "y'all" should be it.

Wow. I can't believe I made it this far. Sorry I can't tag anyone, but if you happened to land here and feel like doing it, by all means knock yourself out!

All this and the cops, too?

Photo Credit: Robin Hutton (Flickr)

Sometimes life hits you in the face with a bowling ball. That was today.

Things started off well. Before I even woke up, Seth dropped David and Ruth off with dear friends for a play date. The theory was I could do what I wanted with the morning (though exercise is mandatory) and then the kids would come home at lunch time. What a sweet gift of time.

So, after attempting push-ups and sit-ups, I sat by the fire enjoying breakfast, then tea and reading time (a rare treat -- in part due to kids and in part due to difficulty with concentration). My current book - An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. Many folks have told me that this book will help me. Today, I am not sure.

Anyway, thanks to Seth and my good friend, today, I had my morning. I did not change clothes - Even at 10 pm, I'm still in PJs. I didn't even comb my out-of-control bed head from last night.

It turned out that my friend couldn't bring the kids home til 2 pm. At 1:45 pm, based on the anticipated 2 pm arrival, I took a pill Dr. Shrink Wrap gave me for when I need extra energy. I was proud of myself for thinking of this ahead of time.

Pill taken, I set out to read until they arrive. And silly me, I shouldn't have. But how was I supposed to know that just as the doorbell rang, I would read about how Dr. Jamison would attempt to take her life by overdosing on lithium? I opened the door with tears in my eyes.

David and Ruth arrived tuckered out (as expected). It didn't take long for them to start bickering over nothing. Problem was that I didn't have the energy that I expected/needed from my little friend the white pill.

When I told the two of them to work it out themselves, (translation, when I didn't mediate in Ruth's favor), Ruth said "I hate my family and I am going to run away." And off she went out the door, running away. This drama queen type behavior is not new. Usually, however, she only gets to the corner, crying and screaming, but well within David's sight (he is a very reliable spy).

Being of sound mind (or from the looks of me in PJs and baseball cap, maybe not), I walked across the street to talk to a neighbor/spy on Ruth. I got distracted by my conversation with the neighbor, and then David came running up to me crying at the top of his lungs. "Ruth is around the corner. She really is running away."

I looked in the direction of the intersection and could no longer see Ruth. BUT, I did see not 1, but 2 police cars on our little suburban street.

Good Lord have mercy. All this and the cops, too. And perfect timing -- if the cops saw Ruth, they'd have seen a huge bruise next to her eye from a fall 2 days ago.

Before you could say, "shit!" off I went running like a crazy woman (oh, yeah, I am a crazy woman). One arm under my breasts for needed support (heck, I wasn't wearing a bra - I was still in my PJs). Funky hair/cap. Tears dripping down my cheeks. Son crying his eyes out in front of me screaming, "Ruth, don't run away. Don't run away." Ruth crying, "Leave me alone! No one loves me! I hate my family! Get away from me!"

When Ruth stopped running, David caught up and tried to hug her and tell her that he loved her, and she screamed "Get away from me!" I encouraged David to come to me, about 15 feet away. David was way under dressed for the chilly day, so we sat and snuggled together on the sidewalk. To wait. And wait. And wait some more. Ruth can be damned stubborn. Like her mother.

I wept (I try not to cry in front of the kids, but I just didn't have the energy not to). I said, "Ruth, sweetie, please don't do this to me now. I can't handle it." And David said, "Don't ever run away. I love you so much." And we waited some more, all 3 of us on the sidewalk. David and I crying and huddling together for warmth.

Well, Ruth finally got over whatever she needed to get over and came back to go home with us.
We walked home hand in hand. The cops were still there. I'm still not sure why they even came in the first place. I hope I don't have to find out.

It seemed as if for little Ruth, nothing had happened. She was over it. She needed some distance/time alone. That was it.

But I could tell that David felt rejected by his sister. His head hung low as we walked home.

And I wish I could describe the feeling I have now, heavier than a bowling ball, sitting in my heart somewhere. It's hard to have publicly admitted to my kids and myself that sometimes I just can't handle it. I don't want them walking on eggshells around me. I don't want them to have the childhood I had.

STOP the music!

Photo Credit: tengtan (Flickr)

I've been meaning to write this post since the day after Thanksgiving.

Everywhere I turn, there is Christmas music. In grocery stores. In the mall. In Target. Even on the radio - any station except NPR (at least, I haven't heard it there yet).

I am upset by this.

Yes, I'm in a down cycle, but that's not it.

Many would assume that I am upset by this because I am Jewish and don't like to be caught up in a holiday in which I don't believe and never will. No. I'm used to all of the Christmas hullabaloo, and it doesn't faze me.

Truly, what upsets me is that this music reminds me of how much closer we are to the end of another year. The passage of time that I won't get back. Ever.