Photo Credit - wili_hybrid (flickr)I've been away for a terribly long time. I've got plenty of excuses. Some are good - I'm trying to take better care of myself by exercising, being out with friends, taking care of house chores, etc. Some are not.
Maybe I am ashamed of some of what I've been doing in the "real" world, and that is at the forefront of my mind. I'm not sure that putting it out there for all of Bloglandia to see will help, but I'm not sure things could be worse.
I have been off of work on disability. And for the last month, I have been so scared of going back to work that I have broken into tears and then meandering in a dull voice when Dr. SW asks me questions. This week Dr. SW called me on my bullshit. He knows I am better. My moods are more stable.
Well, my moods WERE more stable until Dr. SW confronted me. He had every right. I feel like an idiot. I am so angry at myself for doing that to him. I am so ashamed. He deserves so much more respect.
My relationship with Dr. SW was like a safety net. And over the last month, I have frayed the ropes one by one. Now, I sit here, feeling sick, feeling like I'm dangling by the last frayed rope sliding into the ocean. I am hardly eating. My heart rate is higher. My hands shake. And I would not blame Dr. SW if he doesn't believe a word from me ever again.
I feel raw. I am brittle. All of this makes me cry and cry. Last night, Seth was away on business and after the kids were asleep, I lost it. I tried to be quiet, but the sound of tears falling one by one onto my pillow was deafening.
I try not to interrupt Seth when he's out (for business or pleasure), but last night, I called him to come home. Thankfully, he was on the way, and within about a half hour, he was able to hold me and distract me with other things until I could sleep.
Tonight, Seth will hold me again. A calm in the storm as always. I am amazed at his unwavering strength. He is a blessing, but at the moment, I'm not sure I am worthy.
