And now for something completely different...

Today, I started my Spanish class. My first venture into the adult ed system. One of my new year's resolutions.

I thought that I'd be one of a very few people under 65. And I was definitely right about that.

What I did not expect was a tall, dark and very handsome guy in the class who is actually close to my age. He came in and sat behind me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I would never in a million years cheat on Seth.

But I'm not blind. No siree...

Anyhoo, during the class, the teacher split us into pairs to practice the small chit chat phrases we were learning that day. I had hoped to be paired with the man behind me but instead, I got paired up with the woman next to me - an elderly woman with lipstick on her teeth who just didn't get it.

Oh well.

If nothing else, I'm guessing I'll learn a little patience in this class even if I don't learn Spanish as quickly as I'd like. I'm so used to being with folks who are as or more intelligent than I am. In this class, we have a wide range (and at the risk of being cocky, I think I'm at the top end of the range). I hope it will be good for me. Patience is something I need to learn more of (sorry for the dangling preposition).

I am Not the Magic Maid!

Image Credit - walknboston (Flickr)

When I was a kid and Mom got frustrated by my failure to clean to her standards, she used to scold us by saying, "I'm not the magic maid!!!!" I really hated it at the time because (at least in my mind), I was a kid who just couldn't leave things spotless.

Now I find myself thinking the same thing! I haven't said it yet, but how far is the dishwasher from the counter by the sink? I mean really.

I'm sure I did the same thing when I was a kid so I guess it's payback time.

Still.

Gotta Love Ben & Jerry

Hooray for the state of Vermont and for Ben and Jerry's for recognizing gay marriage rights!

Check out the newly renamed Chubby Hubby - Now Hubby Hubby

I'm still amazed at how backwards California can be.

Ant

Photo Credit - Snap (Flickr)

After months away,
I'm back in Bloglandia.
I'm humbled.
Truly humbled.
Y'all write so eloquently.
I am but a simple ant.

New Year's Resolutions

Photo Credit Bill Ward's Brikphile (Flickr)

Well, it's a new year at school anyway. So I thought I'd make a few resolutions.

First, I am going to improve my brain. If my kids are, why not me??? SO, I've signed up for a Spanish class and an accupressure class. I am so excited about both, I can't contain myself. OK - I can because I have to.

Second, I'm going to improve my mental health care. I've brought a new shrink into my life. The relationship with Dr. SW started to sour, so we are off to a new guy who just feels better. One thing I like about him is that he takes a more holistic approach - including diet, vitamins, etc.

Third, I'm going to take care of my body. I've passed 190 pounds (in the wrong direction), which is not healthy given my diabetes risk. With help from my new shrink's adjustment in my meds, I'm hoping to eliminate a lot of the junk food I've been eating from my diet. Also, now that the kids are back in school, I can exercise more.

Fourth, I'm going to try to have more fun with the kids. I'm hopeful that with the med reduction and increased exercise, I'll have more energy for that. David said over the weekend that we don't do anything fun together, while Ruth and I have fun doing art. Sadly, he's right. So we agreed to read together and go for bike rides.

I'm also going back to Bloglandia. I think it helps me to read my friends' blogs and write here in my tiny corner of it.

OK - here we go! Maybe here we go again, but here we go.

Two Headed Monster

Image Credit: Jason Pratt (Flickr)

The two-headed monster is rearing its ugly head. Manic and Depressed all at once. Just when things seemed to be getting better.

The manic: It's after 11. I'm doing laundry and dishes and prepping for tomorrow's Seder. Did I really have to start the laundry? Probably not. Could I help myself? No. Would any sane person fill her dining room table with clean laundry the night before having people over for a big ceremonial meal? No. Am I sane? No. Oh, I suppose that goes without saying or I wouldn't be here.

The depressed: Well, I'm finding myself in a position where my lack of a "real" job is starting to get to me. It is hard not to be contributing financially to our household. Perhaps most of all, I worry that I am no longer as interesting to be around as I used to be. I think this is probably common among many SAHMs who are new to the job. But the fact that lots of other people experience the same thing that you do doesn't always help. It isn't helping me now.

Am I over tired? Yes. Should I go to bed? Yes. Think I will do the sane thing and do just that. After I fold the laundry that just finished in the dryer.

Over and out.

Making Shabbat

Photo Credit: blmurch (Flickr)

This afternoon, Ruth asked me to make challah with her. I'd never done it with her - in fact, it has probably been longer than she's been alive since I made a yeast bread. Hard to believe given how much baking I do. Anyway, I was thrilled that she wanted to make it with me today. Once he heard what we were doing, David was excited to join in the fun.

Anyway, if you've never done it, most yeast baking requires not much active effort, but lots of down time - I think a lazy afternoon is best for challah. An afternoon when you have time to read a book play games, write a blog post or take a short nap while you wait for the dough to rise. You name it - anything that relaxes you. Then you can enjoy your sweet, eggy bread hot out of the oven at dinner (or before if you can't wait). Leftovers (if you have any) are perfect for French toast the next day.

I could see gathering with a group of like minded bakers (with or without kids) on a Friday and communing over our challah making during the afternoon. We'd give each other tips about how to make the best challah as we'd hang out all afternoon (naturally, the loaves I make with Ruth and David are the best). Maybe we'd play cards. Maybe we'd just drink tea. Maybe someone would teach me to knit, and I'd knit with him/her.

We'd be making Shabbat while we are making bread together in the hours leading up to when Shabbat actually starts.

Today has been a perfect challah day. Ruth and I played countless hands of Uno (that girl really plays a heck of an Uno game). She and Seth worked on a jigsaw puzzle. David read for hours. We had an excellent Genius playlist going. I even had some spontaneous eruptions of dancing in the kitchen as I washed dishes and in the dining room as I folded laundry (I actually happen to find both dish washing and laundry folding relaxing).

Contrary to the way we're doing it, I am sure that observant Jewish women spend the "down time" of Challah making frantically preparing all the food for the coming Shabbat when they are not allowed to cook from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday. The good news for me is that I have the luxury of doing challah my way.

Given my last post about not feeling my roots, today's baking with Ruth and David was just what I kneaded. (ok, sorry about that one - couldn't help it).

Sunrise on the Mountain (?)

Image Credit: johntrainor (Flickr)

For better or for worse, it's official! Dr. SW released me to return to work with a return date of March 31. The day after my appointment, I sent an e-mail to evil boss informing her of my resignation. It took her over a week to respond, but as of yesterday, she accepted my resignation.

Friends tell me that I should feel free, like the sun is rising on my mountain. But now, somehow, I am as unsteady as the tippy top of a tree swaying in every direction in a blustery wind against my mountain. The ground is far from me. I'm aware that somewhere far below I have roots in the ground, but I can't feel them.

I feel like I ought to know where I'm going, but I don't. Is it the economy or is it the fact that I can't form clear ideas in my head beyond taking care of the kids and the in-laws and exercising?
I know I have to come up with something to do for profit while the kids are in school - I just wish I knew what to do. Too many things interest me and I too easily talk myself out of all of them.

On the good news end of things, I seem to be appropriately medicated now. I can walk in a straight line. I can concentrate most of the time on things I read. At least I'm getting my butt up and exercising. So perhaps I should allow myself celebrate that.

Too bad my greatest skill, perhaps, is self flagellation. And you can't pay the mortgage with that.

She's comin' 'round the mountain, here she comes...

Photo Credit: renatotarga (Flickr)

She'll be comin' 'round the mountain, here she comes;
She'll be comin' 'round the mountain, here she comes;
She'll be comin' 'round the mountain, she'll be comin' 'round the mountain, she'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes.

I remember that song from when I was at summer camp, and it seems apt now given my long time away from Bloglandia.

After letting y'all know how ashamed I was of myself, I left and went around to the other side of the mountain. Hiding there in a dark place. Sliding down the steep hill and around to the back where those of you who saw me here couldn't see me.

I left because after my online confession, things didn't improve. I got more and more depressed after my last post. Then they got crazy. (Forgive me Sophie for repeating the story).

Long story short... it seems like my meds had built up in my system to overdose level. That plus a new med introduced may have something to do with it.

What happened...
Small things in the month prior in addition to the stuff I mentioned in my last post - my hands sometimes shook so badly I couldn't use them. I fell twice down the stairs. From time to time (a whole lot more often than usual), I couldn't find the right word for things - and I'd say bizarre things. I startled way to easily.

Then, a couple of days before the last straw, I ran into a (thankfully empty) garbage can with my car, knocking it over along with the passenger side view mirror. Luckily, the kids and I survived without a scratch.

Then came the REALLY SCARY DAY when I arrived at school with the kids and just knew things were NOT OK. I think God was watching over me because we all go there safely. I say this because when I got there, I couldn't walk and struggled to talk. It was worse than being dizzy. I was shaking and felt completely out of control. I was hanging on to my car to move and when I had to let go, I nearly fell to the ground.

One of the other parents saw me and came immediately to help. Then 2 parents propped me up and took me to the principal's office (I laugh now about being sent there) where they made me drink Capri Sun (ick) thinking it was a diabetic thing. So off to the docs I went for a major adjustment in meds. That plus 2 days in bed did me a world of good.

This was about a month ago. And I've gotten better and better since then. But for some reason, I've had trouble putting together a long post, and I haven't given myself permission (?) to post just a little bit without explaining my absence or EVERYTHING that happened in between that post and now.

I think the longer I go without posting, the harder it is. Kind of like exercise (oh yeah- I have to get back to that too). But I know blogging helps me, just like I know exercise helps me.

So I'm getting back on my horse.

I'm comin' 'round the mountain here I come.

Frayed

Photo Credit - wili_hybrid (flickr)

I've been away for a terribly long time. I've got plenty of excuses. Some are good - I'm trying to take better care of myself by exercising, being out with friends, taking care of house chores, etc. Some are not.

Maybe I am ashamed of some of what I've been doing in the "real" world, and that is at the forefront of my mind. I'm not sure that putting it out there for all of Bloglandia to see will help, but I'm not sure things could be worse.

I have been off of work on disability. And for the last month, I have been so scared of going back to work that I have broken into tears and then meandering in a dull voice when Dr. SW asks me questions. This week Dr. SW called me on my bullshit. He knows I am better. My moods are more stable.

Well, my moods WERE more stable until Dr. SW confronted me. He had every right. I feel like an idiot. I am so angry at myself for doing that to him. I am so ashamed. He deserves so much more respect.

My relationship with Dr. SW was like a safety net. And over the last month, I have frayed the ropes one by one. Now, I sit here, feeling sick, feeling like I'm dangling by the last frayed rope sliding into the ocean. I am hardly eating. My heart rate is higher. My hands shake. And I would not blame Dr. SW if he doesn't believe a word from me ever again.

I feel raw. I am brittle. All of this makes me cry and cry. Last night, Seth was away on business and after the kids were asleep, I lost it. I tried to be quiet, but the sound of tears falling one by one onto my pillow was deafening.

I try not to interrupt Seth when he's out (for business or pleasure), but last night, I called him to come home. Thankfully, he was on the way, and within about a half hour, he was able to hold me and distract me with other things until I could sleep.

Tonight, Seth will hold me again. A calm in the storm as always. I am amazed at his unwavering strength. He is a blessing, but at the moment, I'm not sure I am worthy.