All this and the cops, too?

Photo Credit: Robin Hutton (Flickr)

Sometimes life hits you in the face with a bowling ball. That was today.

Things started off well. Before I even woke up, Seth dropped David and Ruth off with dear friends for a play date. The theory was I could do what I wanted with the morning (though exercise is mandatory) and then the kids would come home at lunch time. What a sweet gift of time.

So, after attempting push-ups and sit-ups, I sat by the fire enjoying breakfast, then tea and reading time (a rare treat -- in part due to kids and in part due to difficulty with concentration). My current book - An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. Many folks have told me that this book will help me. Today, I am not sure.

Anyway, thanks to Seth and my good friend, today, I had my morning. I did not change clothes - Even at 10 pm, I'm still in PJs. I didn't even comb my out-of-control bed head from last night.

It turned out that my friend couldn't bring the kids home til 2 pm. At 1:45 pm, based on the anticipated 2 pm arrival, I took a pill Dr. Shrink Wrap gave me for when I need extra energy. I was proud of myself for thinking of this ahead of time.

Pill taken, I set out to read until they arrive. And silly me, I shouldn't have. But how was I supposed to know that just as the doorbell rang, I would read about how Dr. Jamison would attempt to take her life by overdosing on lithium? I opened the door with tears in my eyes.

David and Ruth arrived tuckered out (as expected). It didn't take long for them to start bickering over nothing. Problem was that I didn't have the energy that I expected/needed from my little friend the white pill.

When I told the two of them to work it out themselves, (translation, when I didn't mediate in Ruth's favor), Ruth said "I hate my family and I am going to run away." And off she went out the door, running away. This drama queen type behavior is not new. Usually, however, she only gets to the corner, crying and screaming, but well within David's sight (he is a very reliable spy).

Being of sound mind (or from the looks of me in PJs and baseball cap, maybe not), I walked across the street to talk to a neighbor/spy on Ruth. I got distracted by my conversation with the neighbor, and then David came running up to me crying at the top of his lungs. "Ruth is around the corner. She really is running away."

I looked in the direction of the intersection and could no longer see Ruth. BUT, I did see not 1, but 2 police cars on our little suburban street.

Good Lord have mercy. All this and the cops, too. And perfect timing -- if the cops saw Ruth, they'd have seen a huge bruise next to her eye from a fall 2 days ago.

Before you could say, "shit!" off I went running like a crazy woman (oh, yeah, I am a crazy woman). One arm under my breasts for needed support (heck, I wasn't wearing a bra - I was still in my PJs). Funky hair/cap. Tears dripping down my cheeks. Son crying his eyes out in front of me screaming, "Ruth, don't run away. Don't run away." Ruth crying, "Leave me alone! No one loves me! I hate my family! Get away from me!"

When Ruth stopped running, David caught up and tried to hug her and tell her that he loved her, and she screamed "Get away from me!" I encouraged David to come to me, about 15 feet away. David was way under dressed for the chilly day, so we sat and snuggled together on the sidewalk. To wait. And wait. And wait some more. Ruth can be damned stubborn. Like her mother.

I wept (I try not to cry in front of the kids, but I just didn't have the energy not to). I said, "Ruth, sweetie, please don't do this to me now. I can't handle it." And David said, "Don't ever run away. I love you so much." And we waited some more, all 3 of us on the sidewalk. David and I crying and huddling together for warmth.

Well, Ruth finally got over whatever she needed to get over and came back to go home with us.
We walked home hand in hand. The cops were still there. I'm still not sure why they even came in the first place. I hope I don't have to find out.

It seemed as if for little Ruth, nothing had happened. She was over it. She needed some distance/time alone. That was it.

But I could tell that David felt rejected by his sister. His head hung low as we walked home.

And I wish I could describe the feeling I have now, heavier than a bowling ball, sitting in my heart somewhere. It's hard to have publicly admitted to my kids and myself that sometimes I just can't handle it. I don't want them walking on eggshells around me. I don't want them to have the childhood I had.