Collision

Photo Credit extranoise (Flickr)

Last night I had a girls' night. The first one in eons. I met up with two intelligent, witty and sweet friends and ate delicious food. NOT A CHILD IN SIGHT! Not even someone else's child at the restaurant.

We talked and shared and laughed and supported each other until the waiter (ever so politely) kicked us out of the restaurant. Then we talked and laughed some more out on the street (apologies from Bloglandia to the poor folk living nearby who thought they would have a nice night's sleep). Thank heaven for a warm night! We hugged as one friend got in her car to go home.

I then took the other friend to her next destination (she has more stamina than I). After a super car hug, I headed home - a half hour journey including mostly freeway driving. It was after midnight. My heart felt light (no, if you are wondering, not a drop of alcohol in my system). After a couple (OK more than a couple) of weeks in the Land Down Under, I felt GOOD as I headed home.

Less than 5 minutes into the freeway part of the journey is a piece of road that is extremely curvy and narrow, so much so that the speed limit is reduced to 35. To one side - cars completely ignoring the slower speed limit. To the other - a barrier with reflectors on top and dark lines etched in the concrete below where in the past, cars (perhaps ignoring the speed limit themselves, or perhaps victims of those in the lane next door) have had close encounters with the concrete.

As I considered my predicament, in an instant, my mood changed. I stared at the concrete with its reflectors and dark lines and thought to myself, "this is a really sharp curve - how quick and easy it would be to just drive my car head-on into that concrete. I'd just need to take my hands off the steering wheel. Poof. No more me."

Photo Credit: striatic (Flickr)

And then I focused on the road and safely arrived home and went to bed.

This morning at about 6, Seth lovingly stroked my head to let me know that he'd be heading off on his weekly bike ride with his really close friend (even though this friend may never again appear in my blog, I'll call him Morgan for the amusement of my girlfriends who dined with me last night). I grunted, knowing that soon, I'd need to get up to feed the kids.

When I needed to pee, I got out of bed. Took my meds, went downstairs and was told by the kids that they had dealt with their own breakfasts. I was shocked, looking at the clock, that it was already 9 a.m. Even so, I climbed onto the downstairs couch, pulled a quilt over me and went back to sleep. At around noon (must have been - he was back from his ride), Seth and the kids were playing nearby and a balloon popped. I opened my eyes and promptly closed them again.

Next thing I remember, I was dreaming that I was peeing. Thankfully, I woke up and that wasn't actually happening. I dragged my weary ass to the bathroom. It was 3 in the frickin' afternoon! I had slept until 3:00! I didn't even do that in my college days.

Anyway, I wanted desperately to get back on the couch, but my rational mind said, "Sis, you know you shouldn't do that." So I told Seth I wanted to get back on the couch but would instead get exercise by taking a walk. Gawdblessim, he's almost always willing to let me exercise, so he said OK.

Pulled on my clothes, shoes, i-pod and phone and off I went in the direction of my favorite hilly trail that doesn't require a car to access from my home. Head, heart and feet all heavy. Even the Gipsy Kings could not lift my spirits or quicken my pace. I realized less than halfway into the loop of the trail that I couldn't go the whole way, and that even if I felt up to it emotionally, it would be dark on the trail pretty soon. So I headed to the shortcut home. Well, it would have been a shortcut, but I got lost (this tells you where my mind wasn't because I've taken this shortcut MANY times).

Not far from home, I was waiting at a light to cross a very busy 6 lane thoroughfare. Speed limit 45. Tons of cars whizzing by. And I thought, "gee, I could just step off this curb into the traffic. Poof. No more me."

Photo Credit Lucia ! (Flickr)

Now we interrupt this blog entry, lest you get yourself too concerned in this moment and try to figure out who I am and where I live, (if you don't know this information about me already) and where the nearest inpatient psychiatric program is.

Let's be clear. These were just thoughts as stated. I didn't say to myself, "gosh, I'd like to..." or "maybe I should..." or "wouldn't everything be better if..." It was kind of like, "whoa. Life is so fragile. If (BIG BIG BIG IF) I wanted to, I sure could."

I'm writing now, so obviously, I held on to that steering wheel. And obviously, I stood on the curb until the light changed. But I don't know exactly what my head is doing to me right now. I have always known how people can take their lives. I know people who have tried. I know people who have. So yes, suicide has touched my life. But I've never connected those notions to me personally, not even obliquely like this.

I promise I'm not going to kill myself. Really, I promise. No matter how far in the Land Down Under I get, I do value myself to some degree and I love my friends and family too much to choose to leave them prematurely.

I am on the verge of creating a gigantic car collision in my life (obviously representative of big change) and I am scared out of my mind.

Thank goodness, Seth is upstairs in bed and will let me cry all I want on his shoulder (literally). Thank goodness I have an appointment with Dr. Shrink Wrap on Wednesday. And I'll be calling in sick Monday and Tuesday.

Folks, the rock is on top of me now. So I am going to take care of myself the best I can - I'm going to climb into bed and ask Seth to hold the rock up a bit so I can breathe.

Who needs therapy when you can bake?

Part 1: Cookies

Above you'll see results of some of my baking over the last couple of days. In case you can't tell because I'm not trained as a food photographer, these are coconut macaroons with dark chocolate spiderwebs piped over them. I made them for a Halloween party on Sunday. Perhaps I was channeling Martha Stewart.

Anyway, he wonderful thing about these cookies is that I wasn't manic when I made them. So often when I do a lot of baking, I do it because I need SOMETHING to do with the manic energy. This time, I did not double or triple the recipe. I did not make more than needed. Wow. That is an accomplishment for me, as abundance is usually my motto.

The other great thing about making these cookies was how the world slipped away as I piped the chocolate spider webs onto them. I love a project that can suck you into a zone like that. It was just what I needed. I didn't know that at the time I began the project, but I felt so refreshed when it was done that I became aware of it.

Part 2: Cake

This is a photo of a cake I made this evening to take to a friend (my age) whose sister died unexpectedly the day before yesterday.

As I turned the cake out of the pan, all sorts of thoughts and feelings came rushing at me with the heavenly smelling chocolate steam of the cake. Some were obvious. I feel so blessed and relieved to have my health and to have a healthy sister. I feel so blessed that Seth, Ruth and David are well. A few tears rolled down my face for my friend, who is really trying to be strong for herself and her family.

I looked at the cake and other things came to me. As I looked at its beautiful shape, I thought about the circle of life. I thought about how the circle of life's beauty contains all sorts of imperfections, like the nooks and crannies in my cake. And I realized (as if for the first time) that each cake will come out looking different every time even if you follow the recipe to a "T" without fail. So too with our lives. As we go around, all of us experience a slightly imperfect circle - each uniquely our own.

Naturally, I reflected on the nooks, crannies and imperfections in my life and realized that as difficult as they can be sometimes, they are also delicious.

L'chaim. To life.

The Pill Box: A Haiku

I have a pill box
Separate compartments each
Labeled with the days

My pill box comes with
Individual boxes marked
AM and PM

To ensure I don't miss
My morning or evening dose
Yet sometimes I do

My cocktails sit there
Under their translucent lids
Just waiting for me

Each day and each night
I dutifully take them
And I heave a sigh

My pillbox carries
Much more than my medicine
There are feelings, too

Every morning
I swallow away last night
No time to sleep now

At evening time
Readying myself for bed
Kiss the day good bye

A constant reminder
That time is rushing ahead
Lies in my pill box

What Tarot Card am I?

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I took the test and here I am...

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

--------------------

OK - come on. We're talking about a person who is BIPOLAR!!!!!

Yes, luck can change, but sometimes?????

Here I sat thinking, "yet another web quiz that doesn't work for me because I'm bipolar." But, I decided to do a little more research, because I know NOTHING about Tarot and was intrigued. I figured if Sophie sent me to the quiz, it had to be pretty darned cool. So off I went to Wikipedia. Here's some of what I found, and now it makes more sense:

"... the most common function of this card within a reading is to introduce an element of random interference or sudden and unpredictable change in the querant's life. Several key concepts are frequently associated with the card:

• Turning point; Opportunities; Possibilities

• Destiny; Fate; Superior Forces; Movement

• Development; Activity; Surprises; Expansion

• Sudden Events; Speed; New Developments; Life Cycles

...

Symbolism in the Mythopoetic Approach

In this approach, which views the Major Arcana as a journey through life taken by the character of the Fool (the Fool being the first card, or the zero card, of the Major Arcana), the Wheel of Fortune represents the intercession of random chance into the Fool's path. The card represents the forces that can help or hinder the querant suddenly or unpredictably."

OK... Now we're talking!

Just a little giddy....

OK - some little things in life just make you feel a little happy lump in your throat, right?

Tonight, I deleted 38 messages from my answering machine. Ooooh. I'm giddy! Not seeing that number glowing on the machine is pure pleasure!



Image credit: newchaos (flickr)

High Voltage

Photo Credit oskay (Flickr)

If you are expecting another post about the coming election, you're not getting one. Nope - I'm back to bipolar. Just so you know....

The rock is heavy on my shoulders. My legs are shaking under the weight.

I've got that feeling. That feeling in my gut. Anxiety. Tension. The lump in my throat that doesn't go away. The ease and speed with which I cry.

Thursday night, I made 5 dozen muffins for a school coffee - pumpkin cheesecake and whole wheat ginger pear. Did I have to make that many? OF COURSE NOT!!!!!!! The teachers were happy, though - they get what the parents don't eat. Never hurts to have the teachers on your side. ;)

Today, I've been cleaning lots more than I normally would on a Saturday, and I'm avoiding family and friends.

Another manic episode seems to be in my near future. Yuck. I'm already anticipating the crash down the mountain.

Of course, it doesn't help that every day, per Evil Boss's instructions, I'm training away more and more of my job.

It also doesn't help that my job interview yesterday went poorly (you pretty much know you are not going to be hired when they talk in the interview about how you are overqualified for the job). Funny - I don't think I even want the job, but the fact that they probably don't want me shakes my confidence in a way that it would not if I were doing OK.

DANGER - Seth will be out of town all week on business. I see lack of sleep in my future.

Thank you, Sara at MySadAlterEgo, for helping me see that this is coming. It's a reminder that I might need to get out some extra of what Dr. Shrink Wrap (bless him) calls my FRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEND to help me through.

On a positive note, I'll probably have a really clean house. And maybe I'll get to read lots of blog posts I haven't gotten to read, but want to. For now, off to laundry and kitchen cleaning.

For now, I'm off to do laundry and clean the kitchen......

Exactly - This IS Important

Image Credit: Seattle Municipal (Flickr)

Apolologies in advance for making most of this post out of someone else's words. I wish I were so eloquent as Anna Quindlen. I can only urge you to read this article she wrote about the Presidential election. The point of the piece is that we're not getting enough substance out of the candidates or the media and we deserve and need that.

If you don't have the time or inclination, here's a bit or three to ponder:

"Both [McCain] and Senator Obama need to provide detailed and incisive answers, not rote snippets from their stump speeces. Perhaps this is the race in which voters will not be charmed by affect or riposites. After all, eight years ago, the American peopple embraced a good ole boy at the polls and wound up with a man neither insightful nor intellectual enough to manage the nation."

...

"It can't possibly be that we've become so insecure about our power, our primacy, our plce in the world that we can't bear a person who stands on principle. It can't really be that America has become a nation so small-minded that intellect must belittled. It can't really be about likability, can it? I don't need the president to be my friend. I have friends. What I need is someone to clean up the mess George W. Bush has made of the country I love."

...

"Here is the only thing about anyone's kids that matters now: every time you vote you make your kids a promise. It's a promise that you will look past cheap slogans and lazy alliances to try to find a way to make America worthy of a new generation."


Amen sister. Although I don't consider myself very patriotic and although I've made my choice already based on my research about the candidates professional lives so far, these words touched me. We owe it to our children to vote responsibly and to demand that the candidates give us what we need to make an informed choice. Because the average person won't or can't take the time to find out on his/her own.